We’ve all been there and I happen to be there at this point in my life. I’m talking about the point where a boy and a girl go out. Boy says he had a good time and that he’ll call her so they can do it again sometime. Girl jumps at her iPhone when it rings the next day like it’s the last donut at the staff meeting.
It turns out to be Charter asking me if I’m satisfied with my internet services and the following thought process occurs:
1. “I leapt off my kitchen barstool, jumped over a chair and crashed into the coffee table for Charter?!?!
2. “Obviously I’m satisfied with my internet! Here’s a hint: if it works and is faster than the speed of smell, I’m satisfied.”
3. “Why are Charter ladies so chatty? Always tying up phone lines for people who I actually would care if they called.”
4. “What am I thinking? I don’t care if he called. I’m a strong, independent…oh god, I sound like a bad 80’s self-help tape.”
5. “Maybe I’ll just make a snack and it’ll get my mind off of it.”
6. “Okay, that bag of popcorn, bowl of Cheez-Its and two glasses of wine were a bad idea for a snack.”
7. “I’ll paint my nails because then my hands will be busy. Genius!”
8. “Dear god! Did my nails look this bad last night?! Of course he’s not going to call because, obviously! Who wants to date a girl with shit nails? He’s totally not going to call.”
9. “Okay, it probably wasn’t my nails. Maybe I’m too fat for him!! Maybe he didn’t like my personality!! Maybe I was too sarcastic for his liking…”
10. “Well then, to hell with him! I don’t need a guy who can’t go toe to toe with my sarcasm. Sarcasm goes with everything.”
11. “If you can’t say anything nice, say it sarcastically.”
12. “Why hasn’t he called yet? My hair looked awesome and I finally did a smokey-eye that didn’t look like I got punched in the face!”
13. “Screw it. I’m going to recreate that look and go out with my friends for drinks. I won’t even remember what’s-his-name by the end of the night.
14. “Damn. I’ve done it again. I look hot.”
15. “But, with my luck, I’ll get another guy who also won’t call.”
16. “Whatever. I give up.”
17. “Oh. My. God. My phone is ringing! IT’S HIM!!”
18. “Calm down. Let it ring at least three times, because you don’t want to seem too eager. Remember to sound blasé.”
19. “Oh, hey there …yeah, not a problem; everyone’s phone dies … sure, tomorrow night sounds great!”
20. “Well, obviously he called me. I wasn’t all that worried.”