As soon as I woke up this morning, I knew it was going to be one of those days. Not only is it a Monday, but there was a snow emergency declared in my city yesterday, meaning we got blasted with nine inches of snow. I know I shouldn’t be complaining because a lot of east coast states got it a lot worse than we did, but it’s still an annoyance all the same.
Being annoyed to the point of death –which may be a bit over-dramatic, but I can assure you I felt like I was dying a slow, painful death on my morning commute– I decided to cure myself with the help of sarcasm. Sarcasm fixes everything because your cunning wit is the antidote to everyone’s stupidity.
- Drivers who think that the space you leave between your car and the car in front of you is a space you created just for them to weasel themselves in between. There’s nothing more exciting than when your anti-lock braking system kicks in and stops your car just inches away from the weasel’s bumper in front of you. Just thrilling, I tell ya!
- My coworker who keeps tabs on me when I come into work and when I leave, always making sure I put my time in. I don’t know if I’d be able to know how many hours I worked in a week without their helpful glares! They’re really just the best.
- The guy too busy looking at his phone to realize you’re right in front of him, so that when he bumps into you, your soy hot chocolate spills everywhere. Thanks for saving me all of those calories, dude! I totally don’t know what I’d do without you.
- When all of the machines are taken when you get to the gym, only to accidentally see that Workout Barbie’s been on her machine for a good hour. I could shout, “Why are you even on here?! You’re already a size 2; you’re done!” but I don’t because then I realize that good things always come to those who wait…or so I’m told.
- When I’m feeling generous and let the a person in front of me for the soup line in the cafeteria. Only to find that after they leave, I see that they’ve taken the last of the broccoli cheddar. Guess it’s just more calories saved!
- The boy who said he had a great time on our date and that he’d call me to figure out when we’d get together next. Waiting five days after the fact really makes it thrilling whenever I hear my phone vibrate! He’s kind of like my own Prince Charming, really.
- When you realize that you forgot to put mascara on this morning so you look like a crazy person. But really, I mean boys always seem to like the crazy ones. Maybe I’ll send a quick snapchat to the Prince Charming? He’ll totally love the crazy look…
- When you bring the wrong iPhone charger, so your iPhone 6 just sits there wishing for the good ol’ days when it was just a 4s. Nostalgia is a powerful thing.
- When you can use sarcasm to give yourself a chuckle because you know it’s just one of those days you don’t have time for people to help bring you out of your funk. Go you, you self-sufficient sarcasm queen of the universe.
Until next time,