I don’t usually post on Saturdays, but I woke up at 5:45am this morning, so I’m feeling extra productive today.
Being that I was wide awake by about 5:54am, I felt that I would do something with my time and decided to go to my favorite outside space to do my morning meditation.
This sounds easier than it actually was. I knew I was going to be sitting still for at least 20 minutes, so I wore my fleece lined Under Armor, a race tee, a race long sleeve tee and my coat on top. Hey, it was like 15 degrees out, so don’t judge.
Once I got to my spot, I sat and actually meditated for a good 10 minutes. I only got to 10 because this week has been extremely stressful and I figured I would take the time to let my mind wander.
Turns out, it was a bit more dangerous than I had expected, because, this week, the other shoe dropped.
A couple of weeks ago I was so hopeful that I had finally found a boy that would keep both shoes far enough from the ledge to not drop them. However, homeboy kicked both shoes off of a 100 ft ledge.
I had let my mind wander to why he might have kicked off both shoes with such vigor. I had done everything right. Except for this one time.
He had decided that our plans for the weekend were not as important as his new plans to go out of town to hang out with his friends for the weekend. That was the first shoe.
After the news broke, I got mad and let it show. That was the other shoe.
So there I sat. On a rock, during my morning meditation, letting my mind wander and feeling pretty defeated.
I kept beating myself up for getting mad.
Until I opened my eyes and realized I had every right to be mad. You don’t just cancel plans with someone before talking to them about it and you sure as hell don’t try to explain the reasoning behind your madness as “we aren’t official, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.”
Once I realized I shouldn’t be blaming myself for how I felt, things started getting better. I began to think of it as the universe’s way of telling me that he is way more into a doormat than an actual person with differing views, such as how you should treat the people you like, even when you aren’t official yet.
I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders because I didn’t have to feel bad anymore. Besides, if I had acted like it hadn’t affected me, I would only get the same treatment in the future.
So, to hell with the shoes. I’ll let them both drop, pick them up and then throw them off the cliff myself. I mean, it won’t be me walking barefoot all the way back down, anyway.
Feeling much better than when I had sat down, I pulled my wandering thoughts back in and finished my meditation, focusing on nothing but the sound of the ice cracking on the lake beside me.
Spring is coming and so is a new way of thinking.
Until next time,